Stuff That I Wrote Just For Fun and Didn't Get Paid For, But is Really Entertaining, Almost Always Mostly True, and Sometimes Damn Funny.
Feel Free to Click on any of the titles below to be directed promptly to its page. But if you have time and will indulge the writer before you do, please read the "Longer note to reader than I originally anticipated, especially given the reality expressed in this paragraph" section below. Thanks.
Newt Gingrich, Too Much Joy, the '94 Mid-Terms, and the Power of Punk Rock
The Liberal Home Companion
Playing Sort of Nicely With Furious, Shrieking, Worried Washington Liberals.
Clowns, Lies, a Map Like Mine, a Six Pack of Beer and a Night in the Can.
A Weekend on the Road With (okay, near) Too Much Joy
Out of the Shadows
Why the Right is Wrong on the Gay Issue
Longer note to reader than I originally anticipated, especially given the reality expressed in this paragraph: I have spent hours trying, but I have not been able to compose any way to put this that is either clever or profound. So I will just be direct. I need to make something clear before turning you loose to read the material in this section of jeffreyholland.net.
I am not a drunk.
In fact, I can't even recall the last time I was drunk -- and that has nothing to do with the fact that I was drunk at the time.
There. I said it. Now let me explain.
There is a common theme throughout most of the material on this page. That common theme is Beer -- it is a proper noun -- and the crazy, fun, adventuresome escapades that occur as a result of my consumption of it.
What can I say? It makes for fun writing and I offer no apologies.
While Beer is a common theme, disbelief is a common reaction. I lost count years ago of the number of times a reader has responded with "There is no way this is true," or "That just did not happen," or some permutation of that sentiment.
In reality, they are partially right. I am a sucker for occasional hyperbole if it ensures a good laugh, but most of the content in the three pieces I have included here is true. I have led a fun life, and sometimes written about it. Some zany things have happened to me. I have stumbled at times into success I didn't earn, and at other times into a collision of worlds that took weeks of dealing with the aftermath to clean up.
The element of fiction in most of my tales is Beer, the regularity with which I purport to over consume it, and the aforementioned common theme that seemingly ties all this material together.
My adventures in pursuit of fun and freedom are true. And I have to blame those sordid, debaucherous exploits on something. So it might as well be something I like. That would be Beer, even though I don't drink it very often. Anymore. Since college ended.
That is the dark secret I have kept for so long. In reality, beer factors much less significantly in the day-to-day course of my life than it does when I write a narrative in the first person.
The sad truth is that outrageous behavior and sobriety don't mix. Crazy antics that serious adults would never tolerate from a sober guy make great fodder for fun water-cooler stories the next morning if everyone thought that guy was drunk.
Let's not kid ourselves. Sometimes drunk is funny. And when I tell a story, I at least want it to be funny. If I can't find the humor in a subject -- especially when that subject is me -- then it's not something I want to write about. At least not without being paid.
Consequently, Beer often functions as a festive sidekick to my protagonist self when I write for fun, for free, or whenever being paid does not depend on approval by of someone who is more uptight, less free-wheeling, more easily offended, or less good natured about poking fun at misery and human suffering than I (almost everyone).
Beer is a great sidekick. Drinking too much of it allows for hilarious self-deprecation. And if I can make fun of myself, the floodgates are open and everyone else becomes FAIR GAME. Beer is more amused by, than sensitive to, ideas that might offend others, and I like that.
Beer has the shortest list I have ever seen of topics that are simply not funny and are off-limits to joke about no matter the occasion. That list includes genocide, the First Amendment, Ronald Reagan, Steelers football, Prohibition, and . . . well . . . I guess genocide.
Beer, I have discovered, and high quantities of it, will explain away poor decision-making and bad judgment -- the combination of which form the infrastructure of so many of my great stories and madcap adventures.
The only bad part is that it makes people think I drink too much. Now you know that is simply not true. Make sure we are clear on that.
Drunks are not taken seriously. Drunks are not to be trusted with important projects. Drunks are not offered good jobs that require serious behavior from professionals with proven track records of trust and credibility (drunks already HAVE most of THOSE jobs).
So today, I proudly expose Beer as the mostly fictional character in my mostly true stories.
Like I said, I am not a drunk.
But I have written myself into a hole. By admitting to not being a drunk, I now have the far more serious problem of explaining how I could possibly have made all of those bad decisions while SOBER.
Beer? You there buddy? Need a little help here. C'mon over and take one for the team.
Okay. I hope you found that entertaining. In the time I spent writing it, I am SURE that I could have figured out what at least ONE of the letters in HTML stands for.
With that, allow me to introduce you to some of what I think is my best work. Writing professionally requires me to adopt the voice, personality and style of my client. So I don't get to write stuff like you see on this page very often. And everyone is probably better off in the long run for that.
I have included here a few of my favorites, mostly for your entertainment, but also to give you a clear window into my sense of humor and personality.
Enjoy.
Or be pissed.
Better yet, try both at the same time. That is a confusing emotion -- kind of like when I was 10 and my mom tricked my brother and me into going to the movies to see Yentyl with her by telling us she bought tickets for Star Wars. That was upsetting enough. It was worse that I actually enjoyed it. I left not knowing what to feel.
There is one pretty serious feature article posted here, too. It's called "Out of the Shadows, Why the Right is Wrong on the Gay Issue." I wrote it back in 1994 or 1995 and just rediscovered it. I should probably update and edit it a little bit, but for now, you just get the 12 year old version. Much of it still applies. Frankly, many of the conclusions it makes have proven correct. Who knows? You might find it interesting. More about it is explained on its page.
Start here by reading: