What You Need to Know About Jeff Holland
I. The Big Picture
While I have an extensive professional background in serving as a wordsmith for others, I perform best when I believe in what I write and write about what I believe.To fill you in on what that is, I have outlined a few of my core values. While certainly not comprehensive, the items below should give you a pretty good about my personality, style, and philosophical -- errr -- worldview.
Know this going in: I worship at no particular ideological alter -- that would require me to spend far too much time in the confessional. Since my earilest political memory (when I organized the Bowen Elementary School chapter of Second Graders for Ford '76) I have considered myself a Republican.
But I have not always been happy about it.
I belong to the "drink a lot of beer and cheer on the freedom fighters while playing internet poker, betting on football games and sneering at haughty judgemental fussbudgets" wing of the Republican party. I have found that it is a big wing, with a big tent, but it's never very crowded. In fact, often the only person here is me. We've got an open bar, though. And you are all invited.
I generally get along well with all types of people -- mostly because I respect their freedom as individuals. When it comes to Democrats and Republicans, my position is that if Republicans would keep their fussy noses out of other people's bedrooms and Democrats would keep their filthy paws out of other people's wallets, we would all get along just fine. But whenever I say that out loud, everyone in the room looks at me like I just slaughtered the family pet.
Last summer, I had a discussion about that with a very liberal friend of mine over a pitcher (okay, three) of Oberon at Bell’s Brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Frustrated by my position on foreign policy, my leftist friend accusingly labeled me as a globally imperialistic, socially libertarian, irresponsible, war hawking, Republican cultural elitist (his intended comma placement remains unclear) and then stabbed me in the cheek with the sharp remains of a salty, half-eaten pretzel rod. He clearly intended the characterization as an insult, but it felt more to me like a complement, so I embraced the idea.
Now he refers to me as "Jeff, my neocon friend."
Later that night, I sat down and banged out this mini-manifesto to prove both that he was right and that I had nothing to be ashamed of because of that.
When I finished, it occurred to me that if nothing else, I had forged common ground between puritanical social conservatives who always try to win arguments by reciting biblical scripture and wacko vegan drag-queen liberal abortionists.
The socio-cons (as I like to call them) will be horrified with me for inviting the vegans into our big GOP tent. The vegans will be confused because I might have led them to believe there would be a "kick-ass drum circle" inside, and then they will call me a fascist. The important thing is both groups will HATE me -- which I can only try to rectify by offering free beer for all.
Inside the big tent.
Where there will never be a drum circle.
So fasten your imaginary seat belt. The best rides in life are unpredictable, a little rough, and -- like everything fun -- a little dangerous. This list is no exception.
II. A More Specific Picture A: Individual Liberty. I am a passionate advocate for the United States Constitution. Beginning with the First Amendment, I believe that our rights to free speech, religion and association are the shining stars in our constitutional galaxy and should never – except in the most extreme of circumstances – be infringed upon. That means, for example, that because ours is a nation based on the premise of religious freedom, legislation enacted on the basis of religious or moral values is, by definition, unconstitutional. In that spirit, anyone who has not read both Justice Kennedy’s majority opinion and Justice Scalia’s dissent in the Supreme Court Lawrence v. Texas decision should do so (it is surprisingly lucid for a Supreme Court Opinion, also entertainingly angry and sarcastic) before he or she spends millions of dollars to pass a ballot initiative that will only be eventually overturned in federal court.
Click on the Lawrence decision if you haven't read it. It's worth it. Really.
B. WHO AM I AND WHY AM I HERE? Why is there so much blathering on about how important it is to enact new GUN CONTROL legislation? Americans with guns do not scare me. BALLOTS SCARE ME. An uninformed voter armed with a ballot in his hands can do FAR more damage than an uninformed voter brandishing a weapon. The guy with the BALLOT is much more likely to actually USE it. If that sounds absurd, consider that a) a higher percentage of high school seniors can name and explain at least four of the amendments in our Bill of Rights than can adults ages 35-50, and b) more adults ages 35-50 believe our world has been invaded by aliens from outer space than the percentage of high school seniors who can name and explain at least four of the amendments in our Bill of Rights. Now THAT is absurd.
C. THE MORAL IMPERATIVE TO PROTECT AND ADVANCE LIBERTY EXTENDS BEYOND THE WATER'S EDGE. My ardent belief in liberty has shaped my foreign policy worldview. Many of my friends call me a war hawk. And I guess if maintaining the belief that it is the responsibility of the United States to take whatever measures are necessary to ensure that people all over the world are protected by the same framework of freedom and justice that we enjoy as Americans makes me a war hawk, then I plead guilty. Anywhere – be it in the Middle East, the most remote corners of Africa, Eastern Europe, rural Alabama or yes, yes, North Korea – human rights are systematically violated, genocide (or acts of genocide thank you very much P.D.D. 25) might be occurring, individuals are denied the unrestricted ability to vote in regular, free and fair elections the United States must intervene through swift and immediate diplomatic, economic or military means. We should not sit in meetings and discuss the definition of genocide. We should not wait for the UN Security Council to pass a resolution. We should not wring our hands over whether vital American interests are at stake. Wherever there is human suffering and injustice, the United States should act quickly and firmly to thwart oppression.
Sometimes that means using big expensive guns.
As importantly, because we use both hard power and soft power to advance freedom, our nation must remain eternally vigilant in the preservation, protection and defense of the rights delineated in our constitution – both in our domestic and foreign affairs.
D. I BELIEVE IN MAKING A PROFIT. It is helpful to achieve that when policy makers choose free market solutions when writing legislation. While it is our responsibility as a humane people to take care of our poor, elderly and underprivileged, no one should ever apologize or be punished for accruing wealth. The concepts of private property and the pursuit of economic prosperity have made America the most successful nation of our time. We should not further regulate, hinder, or infringe upon natural economic growth.
That said, I went to Tijuana once and returned very happy to have the United States Department of Agriculture inspect my meat.
E. BEER. I am a staunch advocate of good beer in all varieties and lots of it. I believe in the power of punk rock with its loud guitars, real drums and smart, sarcastic, angry vocalists who stomp around on stage routinely slamming down microphone stands and breaking their (often rented) guitars.
I believe in making relentless fun of vegetarians. I will almost always call a raise before the flop with nothing better than suited connectors.
I believe in matching fonts -- most of which are the same size -- and, for the money they charge and color schemes they make you put up with, web-building sites should allow you to make everything match the way they should.
I believe in the Pittsburgh Steelers, stem-cell and almost any other form of research that will help the human race live healthier, more comfortable lives. To that end, I believe in promoting the unrivaled importace of strong families -- and that with the support of a truly strong family, no child will ever feel ashamed of who he is or fear abandonment for any reason. I believe in eating a boatload of sushi for lunch and then a huge rare cold-in-the-center porterhouse for dinner. I believe in the sanctity of science, the faith of religeon, and the reality that one can be compatible with the other. That said, anyone still in denial that Charles Darwin's theory of evolution has been proven to a scientific certainty is a just a complete idiot who should be considered educationally dangerous. I think what the French lack in military competence they more than make up for with their wine. General Norman Schwarzkopf once said that "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." Hell. Give the enemy combatants a case or two of 1990 Bordeaux Sauternes and there will never be any need for an accordion.
I am in favor of paying $50 for a glass of good scotch, but opposed to paying $8 for a bowl of soup. I will pay a $15 cab fare instead of a $1 bus fare. But I will go from store to store looking for the best deal before I’ll buy a 12-pack of Diet Coke that is not on sale.
Charles Krauthammer is almost always correct. Walter Russell Mead writes fantastic high school and college debate evidence.
I lean conservative until I witness an angry mob of Baptist zealots burning Harry Potter books “My God, Harold, the children are reading*%!?&#!!” (Greenville, MI). I am convinced I am becoming more liberal until I get stuck in a throng of Abortion Now! protesters wearing Meat is Murder tee shirts (Adams Morgan). Rest will never come easy as long as there is a threat that I might wake up to discover that someone has been using my stereo to listen to "recording artists" who use drum machines.
This is what a good band should look like. At least one of them is a vegetarian.
Click on this picture of them backstage at the old 9:30 Club in Washington for more information about who they are. It will prove important. Trust me.